QUIZ: You’re Just Not That Into Him (are you?)

So you’ve already analyzed all the ways he’s treated you and mistreated you, he’s been in and out of the doghouse, he’s brought you high, he’s brought you low, you’ve framed him in a million terms of your self-esteem…

Now stop and look at him outside of yourself.  Do you really dig him?  Does he inspire you, does he float your boat, does he rock your world?  If you encountered him in a parallel universe in which you were already in a blissful union with another guy, or your gender was different or your sexual orientation, or you were a poodle or a woodpecker or a mere inanimate button on his overalls – that is, you were able to see him objectively and not in terms of how he strokes or does not stroke your ego – would you still be interested in him?  This highly scientific quiz is designed to take the focus off how he treats you and zero in on how you really feel about him.

You may indeed realize that your heart is on fire for him.  If he’s incurable – he’s got another honey back in San Juan or in St. Louis, or he’s bipolar, or he’s still attached to his mother’s metaphorical teat – your process of falling out of love will be a grander and perhaps more gruesome feat.

But if this handy quiz helps you to accept the fact that you weren’t so hot for him in the first place – ha!  Half your battle is already won.

Onward ho.

1. You’ve already broken up with him:

a)      Never

b)      Once

c)      Two or more times

2. His choice of friends and his approach to them:

a)      Irritates me at times.

b)      What friends?

c)      He’s a great judge of character.  I like his friends and I admire the way he relates to them.

d)      He has a lot of friends.

e)      He’s good with people.

3. You’ve referred to him by insulting names (either to him, to your friends, or in the privacy of your own mind):

a)      Sure.

b)      No.

c)      Only to his face, to tease him.

4. He is the most genuine person I have ever been in a relationship with.

a)      True.

b)      False.

c)      I have never been in a relationship with anyone else.

5. You and him – breeding?

a)      I visualize what our children would be like.  They would be amazing.

b)      I’d be concerned about his genes and/or his parenting skills.

c)      Haven’t thought much about it.

6. He is the warmest person I have ever been in a relationship with.

a)      True.

b)      False.

c)      I have never been in a relationship with anyone else.

7. He has the best sense of humor of anyone I have ever been in a relationship with.

a)      True.

b)      False.

c)      I have never been in a relationship with anyone else.

8. He was a rebound.

a)      True.

b)      False.

9. He is the most talented person I have ever been in a relationship with.

a)      True.

b)      False.

c)      I have never been in a relationship with anyone else.

10. What about his career?

a)      I really admire his work.

b)      He’s doing what he can for now.

c)      He could have gone for something better.

11. Does he pursue some kind of talent, service, or creative endeavor outside of work?

a)      Yes.  He’s good at it.

b)      You mean, other than hittin’ the bong and playing Wii golf?

c)      Yes.  It’s not something I’m that interested in.

d)      Yes, and he’s amazing!

12. He is the most intelligent person I have ever been in a relationship with.

a)      True.

b)      False.

c)      I have never been in a relationship with anyone else.

13. Which statement do you most agree with?

a)      We’ve been on a good path lately.

b)      I enjoy his company.

c)      I can’t imagine meeting anyone who I feel this way about again.

d)      We’re good for each other.

e)      I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

14. He is the most sexually satisfying person I have ever been in a relationship with.

a)      True.

b)      False.

c) I have never been in a relationship with anyone else.

15. When we get to the bottom of our fights, they usually come down to:

a)      Practical conflicts like money and living space.

b)      Our conflict of values.

c)      Politics, culture and ideas.

d)      Personal faults.

16. He is the most attractive person I have ever been in a relationship with.

a)      True.

b)      False.

c)      I have never been in a relationship with anyone else.

17. At the beginning I imagined this as a fling.

a) True.

b) False.

18. He pursued me for a while before I gave in.

a)      True.

b)      False.

c)      I pursued him.

19. Which statement do you most agree with?

a)      I get bored with him.

b)      He’s a good person.

c)      His spirit amazes me.

d)      I’ve lost some respect for him.

e)      He infuriates me.

20. Imagine him as a 77-year-old man.  Stop.  Take your time.  Baggy eyes, grey pubes, sagging skin, and:

a)      Still dealing with issues.

b)      Still radiant.

c)      Set in his ways.

SCORING:

1. a- 2   b-1   c-0

2. a-0   b-0   c-2   d-0   e-0

3. a-0   b-1   c-1

4. a-2   b-0   c-1

5. a-2   b-0   c-0

6. a-2   b-0   c-1

7. a-2   b-0   c-1

8. a-0   b-1

9. a-2   b-0   c-1

10. a-2   b-1   c-0

11. a- 0  b-0   c-0   d-2

12. a-2   b-0   c-1

13. a-0   b-0   c-2   d-0   e-2

14. a-2   b-0   c-1

15. a-1   b-0   c-1   d-0

16. a-2   b-0   c-1

17. a-0   b-1

18. a-0   b-1   c-1

19. a-0   b-0   c-2   d-0   e-0

20. a-0   b-2   c-0

A note to the quiz taker:

Many questions in this quiz result in scores of 2 or 0, but not one.  That’s because you’re either passionate about the man or you ain’t.  This quiz was designed to blow holes in the lukewarm, half-true comments women make about their dead-end relationships, and scores of one were generally used only for objective means.  If this is your first and only relationship you’ll have many scores of one, which might skew your results, as you don’t have the perspective of other men to compare him to, so take your score with an extra grain of salt.

RESULTS:

Are just a number and only your gut can tell you for sure whether you really like this guy. A few suggestions:

If you got 35, the highest possible score, you’ve got a puppy dog complex.  No man is that perfect.  Seek help for yourself before addressing your concerns about your boyfriend.

If you score is between 28 and 35, he’s definitely got something going on, although that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s good for you.  That’s for you to decide.

But if your score is less than 28, go look yourself straight in the eyes in your bathroom mirror and tell yourself you’re in love with him.  If it sounds a little off-key, it’s time to give up your illusion that he’s The One in a sea of three billion, three hundred seventeen million, one hundred eighteen thousand nine hundred and ninety nine other representatives of the male species.  Ain’t no man perfect – but plenty out there are fascinating, dynamic, and lavishly loving.  If you haven’t snagged one of those, it’s time to move on.

Cry the Blues Away

it’s no secret that shedding a few tears of grief can be a welcome catharsis.  it’s a physical manifestation of emotional release after all.

the following are suggested tunes that may help coax the sadness out of your system.  a cocktail of these never fail to open the floodgates for me when i’m nursing a broken heart.  though, watch what you mix and be careful of the portions.  you don’t want a blend that will keep you ill for days…

(caveat: i used imeem.com for mp3 streaming when i could’t find a halfway decent youtube video.  it’s free but you’d need to sign up for an account with them first.)

• Crying by Roy Orbison
• Sea of Love by Cat Power
• Tired of Being Alone by Al Green
• Suspicious Minds by Elvis
• Not Dark Yet by Bob Dylan
• Alison by Elvis Costello
• Pink Moon by Nick Drake
• Sad Movies (Make Me Cry) by Sue Thompson
• I’d Rather Go Blind by Etta James
• Please Send Me Someone To Love by Percy Mayfield
• Stormy Weather by Billie Holiday
• Donna by Ritchie Valens
• Needle In The Hay by Elliott Smith
• Falling Apart by The Lovemakers
• Somebody To Love by Queen
• Open Arms by Journey
• Love Takes Time by Mariah Carey
• Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven
• Dearest by Buddy Holly
• Come Away With Me by Norah Jones
• Oh Darling by The Beatles
• She’s Got You and I Fall Into Pieces by Patsy Cline
• On My Own (Les Miserable) by Lea Salonga
• So Lonely by The Police
• Ex-Factor by Lauryn Hill
• Never Tear Us Apart by INXS
• As Tears Go By by The Rolling Stones
• Alone by Heart
• In The Flesh by Blondie
• If You Leave by O.M.D.
• Boys Don’t Cry by The Cure
• Claire de Lune by Debussy
• A Song For You by Ray Charles
• Look Away by Chicago
• Where Do Broken Hearts Go by Whitney Houston
• Killing Me Softly With His Song by Roberta Flack
• I Wish It Would Rain by The Temptations
• A Voice At The End Of The Line by M. Ward
• Take A Bow by Madonna
• Who’s Loving You by The Jackson 5
• You Were Always On My Mind by Willie Nelson
• Moon River (Breakfast At Tiffany’s) by Audrey Hepburn
• Blue Moon by Ella Fitzgerald
• Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper
• Somebody by Depeche Mode
• Didn’t I Blow Your Mind This Time by The Delfonics
• Change Is Hard by She and Him
• Hurt by Johnny Cash

*props to my roommate for her input.

quiz: THE MOJO METER

So your stagnant relationship has become a bad habit you just can’t quit.  You try to wiggle away, you make breaks, you emote to all your weary friends on the phone, and then you fly right back into his trap.  Could a weak mojo be throwing you into relapse?

Yeah, mojo.  You know – spunk, juice, spirit.  Gusto.  Chutzpah.  Soul.  Your self-esteem, boys and girls, and your sex drive too.

This highly scientific quiz will measure whether your mojo is waning, in which case we’ll give you suggestions for pumping it up so you can move on.

1. When I look back on all my romantic relationships, my general impression is of:

a) Wild, sexy disasters that taught me volumes about human nature and crashed just in time for me to escape wiser and relatively unscathed.

b) Torturous sagas that wreaked havoc on my self-esteem.

c) A combination of a and b.

d) I can’t remember.  I probably couldn’t pick out some of my exes in a lineup.

2. At retirement age I see myself:

a)      Finally devoting myself completely to grassroots activism, nude sculpture, or another passion of my choice.

b)      Happy with my sweetheart.

c)      Alone with my thirteen cats.

d)      Dead.

e)      Golfin’.

3. Close your eyes and think of a fruit.  Stop reading!  Just do it.  Now select the list that includes your fruit (or its closest cousin).

a)      Apple, orange, grapefruit, tomato

b)      Guava, kumquat, lychee, blackberry, passionfruit, mango, starfruit, papaya, currants

c)      Banana, raspberry, strawberry, peach, pear, kiwi, pineapple, blueberry, pomegranate, grapes, plum

4. Naked I am:

a)      Sizzlin’.

b)      A mixed bag.

c)      I haven’t looked lately.

5. My contact with the male species other than my partner includes:

a)      Several good friends

b)      My brother, my drug dealer, and the guy who changes my oil

c)      He doesn’t like it when I talk to anyone with a penis.

6. The last time he surprised me with flowers / romantic scribblings on the empty toilet paper roll / answering the door naked in a house flickering with candles with a hot bubble bath running / etc. (Guilty gestures don’t count!):

a)      Within the past 2 months.

b)      Not since he got into my pants.  Maybe once or twice since.

c)      Huh?

7. Orgasms.

a)      Mmm!  My hands, his hands, tongues, thrusting, a good bus ride.  It all gets me off.

b)      I only have them alone.

c)      I usually have one.

d)      Are like tickly little waves?  Right?

8. My living space is:

a)      A divine sanctuary, a manifestation of my soul.

b)      A wreck.

c)      I never go there.

d)      My mother’s.

e)      His mother’s.

f)        A work in progress.

9. If a private new age detective had been following me around for the past week spying on my aura, most days she would report that it was:

a)      Pure white.

b)      Gray.

c)      Thin and gold.

d)      Dancing tangerine curlicues with sparks of green gold.

e)      Roiling, steaming burnt umber.

f)        Bouncing purple rays.

10. Homemade porn?

a)      Honey, I’ve directed it!

b)      Ugh.

c)      Sounds good but sex is already such fun, who has time to fart around with the lighting?

d)      Sounds okay if I didn’t have to worry about him posting it on youporn.com accompanied by a soundtrack by Insane Clown Posse or Portishead.

11. In the last six weeks I have (check all that apply):

-Sang in the shower

-Sang outside the shower

-Laughed so hard I cried

-Laughed so hard I peed

-Done something truly creative

-Changed my look substantially

-Had an epiphany

-Broken the law and not gotten caught

-Received recognition for something that left me brimming with pride

-Had a stupendous night out

12. Check each true statement.

-My man has cheated on me.

-I have cheated on my man.

-He has made comments about my body that make me feel like a peewee baseball player / toad / cow.

-He enjoys hanging out with his ex-girlfriends.

-I increasingly find myself thinking about shopping lists, work assignments, or cherished television characters during sex.

-I’ve had nightmares about him.

-I don’t trust him 100%.

-He discourages me from doing things I love.

SCORING:

1.  a-2   b-0   c-1   d-0
2.  a-2   b-1   c-0   d-0   e-1
3.  a-0   b-2   c-1
4.  a-2   b-1   c-0
5.  a-2   b-1   c-0
6.  a-2   b-1   c-0
7.  a-2   b-0   c-1   d-0
8. a-2   b-0   c-1   d-1   e-0   f-1
9. a-1   b-0   c-1   d-3   e-1   f-2
10. a-2   b-0   c-2   d-1

11. Give yourself one point for each.

12. Subtract one point for each.

RESULTS:

*SICKLY MOJO (0-8 points)

Oh darlin’, no wonder you can’t kick that douchebag.  You’re feeling douched yourself.  You’ve got so much fear, anger and pain – or cobwebs, expired grocery coupons and styrofoam litter – takin’ you nowhere.  Try some of the mojo-enhancing activities on the bottom of this page to work up your strength.

*MEDIUM MOJO (9-19 points)

You’re juicy.  You’ve got humor and passion, but you could have so much more.  You’re still in the danger zone for relapse, so do a few of the mojo enhancing activities listed at the bottom of the page to pump you up to kick Mr. Douche for good.

*MAXIMUM MOJO (20 points and up)

Damn!  You’re a free spirit, a sex bomb, an inner child come to light.  Are you sure you’re not dating this dud merely as a social experiment?  Or perhaps he’s financing your revolution?  In any case, think long and hard.  If he poses any danger to your mojo, get out.  You’ve got the strength to go cold turkey.

MOJO ENHANCING ACTIVITIES:

Get a massage.  Go to a spa.  Take belly dancing, learn capoeira.   Travel alone, if even only for one night.  Get a haircut, get a new ‘pube do.  Cross paths with an ex who DOESN’T tempt you.  Go out flirting.  Buy a sex manual and refresh your knowledge of multiple orgasms or female ejaculation.  Do what you’re passionate about, be it painting, blogging, carpentry, cataloging invertebrates, or belting out your favorite karaoke track by The Kinks or Snoop Dogg.  Go somewhere completely new.  Rearrange your furniture and banish the dust bunnies.  Or banish your furniture and live like a monk.  Live on air.  Live on your mojo.  Buy new underwear.  Wear no underwear.  Buy a better vibrator.  Jump in a body of water and wail.  Call up an old friend.  Laugh.

The List Goes On…#4,5

4. Give yourself a pedicure.

materials required:

step 1: wash and scrub feet
step 2: trim cuticles
step 3: paint 2 light coats of nail polish
step 4 (optional): apply top coat

et voila! easy breezy.

5. Go find a pool and thrash around.

side story:
i can’t swim.  took 3 formal lessons but still no go.  back in high school, i was resolved to teach myself how.  i borrowed a 1970′s instructional book from the public library and devoted a couple afternoons a week reading it and emulating the diagrams on the pages in the neighborhood park pool.  the lessons finally ended because my sweet pal diana nearly drowned me one day.  she saw a documentary on tv the night before on how israeli babies thrown in the water instinctively learn how to swim. and so she decided to apply the same technique on me.  shit didn’t work.

50 Things to Do Instead of Calling That Guy

some time ago, katie made me this list (inkjet printed in color!) when i was feeling blech and blue from yet another breakup.  we’ll be posting it in its entirety as several entries, elaborating on some and merely listing others.
it’s been slightly modified for general consumption.

1. Call someone you haven’t talked to in a long time.

2. Go through your stuff in the basement/garage/attic/closet/storage.

3. Go to karaoke and belt out terrible love songs.
try this winner:

Let the Healing Begin

it’s on.

we are two bffs equipped with our share of heartaches, female intuition, old soul wisdom, sheer brilliance, and enough sass to be romance ranchers.

here are our two cents to help you cope…